"where have you been?"

short essay - taintedpoesia author note

I sat infront of my computer for awhile now, just overthinking about what to write, what words could I thread together to make me sound less weak, less fragile and needy. Perhaps something empowering, or something to pull myself out of the pit that none of you can see.

I have determination to still finish this book, I want to, and it will be done. For the past couple months of my on and off absence, I have come to the conclusion and there is an avoidant-attachment within me that’s fearful and it is apparent it doesn’t only apply to intimacy but success too.

So, where have I been? Well, I have been home and classes. It practically feels like that’s all it is, whether the day paints itself as night or the night pulls through to morning — I haven’t been sleeping well, there’s days where I have watched the moon and sun switch places.

But there was a boy, earlier this year, it felt inseperable and not in a way where I instantly assumed it would be endgame — to be honest I had always felt this essence of an ending chapter nearing soon; I prayed everynight in a blue journal about him, there wasn’t ever really a night I didn’t do so. I was always in his journal too, it kept us at a close intimacy while keeping God within our centre in our lives.

We were a team, nothing felt unfair, we were compettetive — sure — though that’s what kept us going to be better. Our connection didn’t always come hand in hand, sometimes I needed him more than anything and he was there. And if he needed me more than anything, I was there for him too.

Maybe it was satisfying voids we had within ourselves that kept us so close, I wanted to feel heard - he wanted to feel seen, and so, that’s what we did.

I would call him crying about the never-ending pressure that had felt bestowed on me by my family and especially myself. I always wondered if that’s how it will go for me, from now and always. His voices was like, a warm blanket on a day where it drizzled nothing but raindrops and despair. But he didn’t make it seem that way, no not at all. He wrapped me up, and didn’t sugar coat his words, he would tell me to always remember God in times that are tough and to never lose sight of him, he told me that he would be here for me any time of the day or night, his words weren’t just comfort but like God was sending his messages of love through him.

I didn’t see him fleshfully, I saw more of his soul that anything, his energy, the never-ending determination to be better, to be more than he already was, to help those who needed it most, he was kind, thoughtful, considerate, fun and bright, not even these words could describe the depth I saw within his character. I feel like I could feel his hand hold my face even when he wasn’t there. His words were sewed into my heart, every thread was intricate, the prick from the needles never mattered,

it never did.

;

[unfinished]